Playing and Staying Safe
Six Thinking Points Before Playing with Someone New
© 2001 by
Gloria Brame, PhD - reprinted with
permission
This six-point guide
addresses questions vital to everyone who is beginning a new SM relationship or
who attends play parties and other events where strangers play together. Hope
you find it helpful.
1. WHO IS THIS PERSON I AM ABOUT
TO PLAY WITH?
Remember
what mom and dad told us about talking to strangers when we were kids? Now let's
talk about doing SM with them.
The
simplest and most basic question of ANY relationship is one which most newbies
never even bother to ask. Many people automatically assume that if they are
attending a well-known club or a party organized by a reputable group, all the
people they'll meet are trustworthy. BAD ASSUMPTION.
The
greatest disasters in SM inevitably occur when the people involved don't have a
very clear knowledge of who the other person is, what that person's history has
been in the world of SM, and whether that person is, in all respects, a
trustworthy, decent human being.
We
recently heard from a submissive who optimistically joined an SM friendship
group, made some contacts there, and then endured a weekend of nonconsensual
torture in the guise of SM on the part of predatory sadists who'd represented
themselves as serious, respected dominants.
She
naively assumed that if they belonged to this group, and were known in the
group, they were therefore trustworthy. She was wrong. They were people who
exploit the Scene--and naive newcomers--to act out their violent impulses.
Although their behavior AT the group's events was quite respectable, once she
was alone with them, they displayed their dangerous side.
It
is an unfortunate fact that as the Scene expands astronomically, more and more
people will join our clubs and attend our parties who are positively clueless
about conducting their SM relationships in a safe and consensual fashion.
PLEASE
REMEMBER: SM and abuse are no more related than intercourse and rape. The only
difference between a dominant who forces you to do things that upset and terrify
you and a criminal is that no one's called the police (yet) on the dominant.
Responsible people in the Scene deplore all instances of nonconsensual force.
2.
HOW DO I KNOW WHO TO TRUST?
After
eleven years of heavy playing in the Scene, I've come to the personal conclusion
that there is simply NO substitute for the tried and true method for ALL
romantic relationships. You MUST take the time to get to know the person. If you
think you know someone well enough to put your full trust in him or her after a
week or two, or after a hot email exchange, you are kidding yourself.
If
you're looking for a long-term or permanent relationship, what I recommend (and
implement in my own life) is something I call "D&S Dating." This
is not unlike regular dating, in that you spend time doing real-world things
together--going to movies, having dinner together, visiting museums, or any
other normal, social activity as a couple (or threesome or foursome, or whatever
it is you're setting up). The main difference between D&S Dating and regular
dating is that instead of having vanilla sex you do SM. As often as possible.
:-)
Personally,
I give myself about 3-4 months of D&S Dating before making a commitment to a
long-term relationship. I tell a prospective submissive that during the dating
stage, he is still free to experiment with other people. He doesn't wear my
collar and I don't require him to call me Mistress when we're out in public. I
still make most decisions (about where we go and what we do and so on) but it's
in a natural context. In other words: he sees me in my street clothes and gets
to know me as a complete human being, not just a mysterious creature who exists
only to fulfill his fantasies.
This
cushion of time gives me and my potential partner the opportunity to see one
another in a wide variety of circumstances. If in the course of dating, I
discover that, for example, he tends to lie or fudge the truth about things;
that he is generally irresponsible and directionless; that he plays games or
blows hot and cold a lot; or any other characteristics which I know will
ultimately make him an incompatible partner for me, then the dating ends, and I
am not locked into any commitments.
It
may seem slow, but the rewards are that by the time I AM ready to make a
commitment to being someone's permanent Mistress, I really know this person. I
know how he reacts to situations, I have a sense of his hot-buttons, I know the
way his mind works, and--naturally--I have grown quite fond of him.
The
benefits this brings to my ability to control and dominate a submissive simply
cannot be measured.
The
submissive, meanwhile, has a very firm foundation for placing his trust in me.
While I've observed his behavior, he's observed mine. If he is reassured that I
am powerful in my daily life, that I exert control in the real world, and that I
am comfortable giving commands in a variety of situations, his faith in my
dominance is secured.
If
he is a submissive who is only looking for a bedroom play-partner, or someone
who wears fetish clothes 24 hours a day, he will quickly learn that I am not the
right Mistress for him.
Of
course, if all you're looking for are play partners, and not long-term
relationships, the "D&S Dating" rule doesn't apply. But I still
strongly recommend that you do everything you can to find out about who you're
playing with.
3.
THAT'S SO COMPLICATED! CAN'T I EVER PLAY WITH STRANGERS?
Sure.
That's what safe words were created for: to limit the risk of unintentional harm
when playing with strangers.
The
real question is not whether you can or cannot play with strangers--the question
is whether YOU are able to make a sane choice for yourself about how much trust
you will give up to someone you don't know very well. You must be very careful
not to give trust up too freely, particularly if you are the romantic, impulsive
type who is likely to become smitten overnight and liable to say almost anything
when your sex organ is primed for action (and this is one of those
equal-opportunity deals: pussies and pricks are equally susceptible to taking
over all thinking functions for the main organism).
Let's
put it another way: if a stockbroker came up you to at a party and said he had a
brilliant deal going that could triple your investment in two weeks, would you
go to your bank that night and turn over your life savings to him? I hope not.
More likely, if you didn't brush him off entirely, you might ask him to send you
a brochure or set up an appointment to meet at his office to discuss it further.
If you were a big risk-taker, you might even agree to investing a little money
just for the gamble. In any case, you wouldn't turn your life-savings over to a
guy you just met. You'd want some proof of his reliability and credibility.
You'd limit your risk, and take certain safety precautions to protect yourself
in case it was a scam.
So
why do so many submissives and dominants meet someone in a party or club setting
(or on-line) who announces themselves to be the yin to their SM yang and then
suddenly make a complete physical and emotional investment in the relationship?
Desperation.
We
understand the eagerness to have experience. For some people, the urge to do SM
is indeed overwhelming, particularly if you've been bottling it up for a long
time. But the plain fact is that:
THERE
ARE NO SHORTCUTS IN SM
If
you want a quality relationship, you must invest the time and make a commitment
to YOURSELF not to settle nor to jump at any and every opportunity that comes
along. Not all opportunities are equal. Some will lead to significant emotional
pain.
4.
DOES THIS MEAN I SHOULD NEVER PLAY WITH PEOPLE I JUST MET?
Look,
you're an adult. There's nothing wrong with experimenting to your heart's
content. Life is for living and if you are a sadomasochist, you owe it to
yourself to accept and embrace your innate sexuality. Which means you're going
to be perverted and slutty and, with luck, you'll have a lot of fun with it.
What
I'm saying here is that you should be cautious and protect your own best
interests until you have very good reasons (such as repeated, positive
experiences with the person) to give up (or assume) complete control.
5.
SO HOW DO I PROTECT MYSELF UNTIL I REALLY KNOW SOMEONE WELL?
Simple:
you limit your risk. You do NOT give carte blanche consent to people you
don't know for a significant amount of time (my basic rule of thumb would be
three months). Meanwhile, although the network isn't as reliable as it once was,
if you met this person at an SM party, club, group meeting, or any other SM
venue (including IRC and other on-line environments), you should be able to find
at least one and possibly more people who know this person. Ask them for
feedback.
There
is nothing rude or disrespectful about asking people whether they know another
player or have ever seen them in action. If the person you want to play with (or
are already playing with, if it's a brand new relationship) expresses anger,
fear, resentment or any other negative emotions about you talking to others,
then you have your first warning that something is fishy.
If
your potential partner says any of the following, RUN:
· I
don't want you to talk to anyone else about me
· You
have no right to ask other people about me
· If I
find out that you talked to others about me I'll never have anything to do with
you again
· You
should only trust what I tell you and not listen to anyone else
· Yes,
what they told you was true, but I am a different person now
· Everything
people have told you about me is a lie.
Although
I've been in the Scene for a long time, although a lot of people have seen me
play, and although I am well-known as an author of an SM-positive book, I still
would not take offense if anyone who wanted to play with me asked others for
references about my trustworthiness.
In
SM, a person's first responsibility is to his or her own health and well-being.
I EXPECT new partners to be cautious and encourage them to make their decisions
independently and without pressure from me.
6.
BUT WON'T MY SAFE WORD PROTECT ME?
Not
necessarily. In the abuse situation mentioned in Question 1, the submissive was
given a safe word. But she was also told that if she used her safe word, she
would be banished from the premises and would never have any contact with the
people involved again.
Now,
from a distance, you might think that any submissive who is threatened in this
way would have the sense to walk away at that point. IN REALITY, however, I've
seldom known a submissive who COULD walk away from such a threat. Quite simply,
a submissive is a submissive is a submissive: this is a person who is, by
nature, vulnerable and who desires to please; he or she may already feel a kind
of bond to the dominant, or may be so hungry to live out his/her fantasies, or
so inexperienced that s/he thinks "the dominant always knows best"
that s/he would rather suffer a little more than risk losing the relationship or
disappointing the dominant.
The
most wonderful and endearing characteristics of a submissive (the desire to
serve and please) are precisely the ones which abusers prey on.
Next,
consider this: if you don't know your partner well, how can you be sure this
person will stop when you use your safe word? There was a notorious crime in the
SM Scene in New York a few years ago where a male dominant was picking up
submissives at gay leather bars, assuring them that he respected limits and
granting them safe words. Guess what happened, though, when he had them alone in
his apartment?
If
you guessed that he ignored their safe words and even made it impossible for
them to speak the words (because he gagged them with duct tape), then you
guessed correctly.
Finally,
for the sake of dominants who too have gotten burned: please remember that not
all submissives are trustworthy or genuine either. There are plenty of
"do-me" submissives out there (game-players and people who are not
seeking a sincere SM dynamic, but merely someone to get them off in the moment
and in the way they want to get off). There are newbies who don't have a clue
about when and how to use safe words. (My advice: spend the time to make SURE
they understand, so you save yourself grief and bitter feelings later on.)
Meanwhile, some experienced subs may use safe words to control or manipulate
you, rather than to indicate when they've reached a genuine limit.
One
of the more troubling situations is when a submissive doesn't use a safe word
when s/he should. This leads the dominant to believe that everything was
hunky-dory--only to discover, hours, days, or months later that the submissive
felt you'd gone much too far. Why won't subs use safe words as God intended them
to be used? Occasionally it's an overwhelming desire on the part of subs for
dominants to be psychic mind-readers. Sometimes it's sheer naivete; other times
it's stubborn pride. Some subs set out to prove to themselves that they can take
anything the dominant gives, even if they're unhappy about it. This is a
dangerous attitude for all concerned.
Subs
and doms alike should protect themselves by never letting a safe word lull you
into a sense of complacency. They are a tool to safer play, but they are not a
guarantee of it.
Remember:
PLAY SAFE! STAY SAFE! And don't let your genitals do the talking when your
health is at stake.
CUFSmaine Note: Our thanks to Gloria Brame for allowing us to reprint this
article. Please for more information and articles, please visit her
website: http://www.gloria-brame.com/
Page Updated
08/27/05
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