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Etiquette
Everyone Involved In The Scene Deserves Respect.
Whether they are a seasoned club
veteran or only able to scene online, people take BDSM seriously. Even the newbie trying
to find information deserves respect for the first courageous steps into the BDSM world.
For more information regarding respect, please read our Respect
and Tolerance Essay.
Respect Different Kinks.
Maybe you don’t like pony play; maybe infantilism
isn’t your thing; maybe scat and watersports are totally out of the question as far
as you are concerned. Just because you don’t like it, don’t assume everyone
feels the same way. If others are enjoying their activities and conducting them in a Safe,
Sane and Consensual manner, show respect for their desires.
Don’t Get Too Personal.
Scene folk love talking about their kinks, their
specialties, and their toys….but, start asking their real names, where they live,
what they do for a living, and your conversation may suddenly turn cold. While some folks
are "out" and comfortable sharing personal information with you, many others are
not. They have spouses who do not know of their involvement….they have jobs they fear
losing….they have children they fear losing. Respect people’s right to
anonymity. In time, as you come to know people, they may become more personal, but if they
don’t, respect their decisions not to share.
Be Careful Not To "Out" Someone Who Doesn’t Want To Be "Out."
A
scene friend confided his name to you….you meet up with him at a
party…."Hubert!!" you yell out across the room. Ooops! Hubert didn’t
want EVERYONE to know his name. Keep information told to you in private just
that…private.
Don’t Touch Something That Doesn’t Belong To You.
This applies to other
people’s toys, their equipment and their partners. If someone has a toy you are
interested in seeing up close or learning more about, ask them to show it to you. Many
Doms are proud of their collections, and pleased to show them off.
Have General Knowledge Of The Scene Before Physically Venturing Into It.
Do some
reading and learn the basics of BDSM before entering and playing at clubs. If you do not
know how to use a piece of equipment, ask questions before you attempt to use it. Do not
worry about asking "stupid questions"…it is better to have knowledge BEFORE
playing then to have injuries occur because you didn’t know better.
Ask People How They Would Like To Be Addressed.
Many folks in the scene prefer to
use their screen name, while others prefer their first names. Many Doms prefer that only
their submissives call them "Master" or "Mistress", while others
always prefer the title If you are unsure how to address someone, just ask them.
NEVER, NEVER, NEVER Use Drugs Or Alcohol Before Or During A Scene.
BDSM requires a
clear head, good reflexes and the ability to comprehend when your partner is experiencing
difficulty. Alcohol and Drugs SEVERELY impair judgement during BDSM. Anyone who need
stimulants to enjoy their scene not only doesn’t care about their safety, they
don’t care about YOUR safety. Be smart….don’t use yourself, and refuse to
play with anyone else who may be using.
"I May Be A Submissive, But I’m Not Your Submissive."
Submissives
are not fair game at parties, clubs, and online. If someone is not YOUR submissive, do not
expect them to start catering to and obeying you just because you are a Dom. Respect earns
respect.
Respect A Submissive’s Collar.
Submissives who are collared take their role
VERY seriously and are usually highly devoted to their Master/Mistress. Many are not
allowed to speak to other Doms. If you wish to speak to a collared sub that you do not
know well, seek out their Master/Mistress, and ask his/her permission to speak to their
submissive. Always allow the Master or Mistress to be included in the conversation.
Remember….they are responsible for their submissive, and have the right to know
exactly what your interest in speaking to them is.
"I May Be A Dom, But…."
As with submissives, Dominants do not
appreciate being approached by and shown excessive displays of submission by subs other
than their own. Treat them with friendly respect as well.
"Mistress, I Beg Of You…Please Allow This Lowly Piece Of Worm’s Saliva
To Serve You…."
Oh man….what FemDomme hasn’t heard something like
THIS? FemDommes almost dread going online or to parties as they are usually approached by
eager male submissives seeking a Domme. Please remember….most FemDommes are not
comfortable with this kind of postulating and pushiness, and many (I, for one) find it an
automatic turnoff. When you meet a FemDomme, introduce yourself and make pleasant
conversation, and mention your interest in serving if the Domme should be seeking a
partner. Intelligence, manners and verbal restraint will get a Domme’s
attention…and if she is interested, she will let you know.
Establish An Online Profile (If On AOL).
People like to know who they are talking
to. You don’t have to put your entire life story in a profile, but do include basics
such a screen-name (or first name if you are comfortable), your age, your hobbies,
interests, etc. For safety reasons, keep your profile vague but truthful. Never include
your full name, address, your family’s names or your specific job. For more
information about online safety, check our Safety Page.
More people will talk to you online if you have a profile than if you don’t.
Don’t Announce Yourself To The Entire Chat Room.
Do not enter a chat room,
announcing that you are a "21 year old hot blonde looking for a Master." Chances
are you will not find a Master…you will attract someone looking for a
"quickie" or worse, a predator. It is always best when first entering a chat
room to offer a friendly hello to everyone and quietly observe. People in chat rooms are
very selective about whom they speak to. Normally, unless they know you well, they will
tend to ignore you. Once you have established your presence in the room a few times, you
will find people more apt to include you in conversations.
For People Already In A Chat Room, Acknowledge Newcomers To The Room.
There is no
lonelier feeling than entering a chat room and not even being offered a greeting. Even if
you don’t know someone well, be polite and offer them a friendly hello. There is
nothing more discouraging to a newbie who is trying to explore his or her deepest personal
feelings than to be shunned by an entire chat room.
Be Nice To Newbies.
Moment of truth; who remembers their starting moments online
with BDSM? Remember all the questions that you thought were really stupid? Remember trying
to get answers and being ignored? Remember thinking you were truly pathetic? Did you like
the feeling? No. Nobody does. When a newbie enters a room and has questions, or
doesn’t follow the proper etiquette, don’t declare them a "snert" and
send them packing with a few choice insults. Give them information to WebPages that can
assist them, or take the time to gently point them in the right direction. Remember, you
were new once too. Somebody helped you out. Pass it along.
"I May Be A Submissive, But I’m Not Your Submissive."
Submissives
are not fair game. When a Dom/me enters a chat room, do not expect all submissives to
start catering to and obeying you just because you are a Dom. If someone is not your
submissive, don’t treat them as if you own them. Respect earns respect.
"I May Be A Dom, But…."
As with submissives, Dominants in chat rooms
do not appreciate being shown excessive displays of submission by subs other than their
own. Treat them with friendly respect as well.
Not Everybody Online Is Looking For Cybersex!!!
When you enter a chat room, do not
assume that everyone present is looking to "get some." For many people, the
online chat world is the only venue they have for BDSM discussion. They are not looking to
get laid. If you are looking for cybersex, we suggest starting a room titled "looking
for cybersex."
Do Not IM Or Send Personal Messages To Anyone Unless You Have Asked Permission.
Often, people in chat rooms, are very involved in the ongoing conversation, and don’t
like to receive IMs out of the blue from people in the room. Etiquette requires that you
ask permission to speak with them in private first. To many people, this is the single
most important and polite thing you can do in a chat room.
You Don’t Have To Talk To Anyone You Don’t Want To.
When you are online,
you are not required to speak to anyone and everyone. If someone just doesn’t seem
right to you, make any polite excuse and move on. The great thing about being online is
you anonymity. If anyone presses you for personal information, immediately cease talking
to them.
Avoid Scrolling, Keyboard Pictures And Excessive Wavfiles.
You may think that your
online artistic talent is wonderful, but people trying to chat in a room may not. Avoid
doing computer tricks that will interfere with written text or other peoples’
conversations.
Do Not Insult, Argue, Threaten, Or Belittle Anyone In A Chat Room.
People in the
room are there to discuss and have a good time. They do not want to put up with childish
behavior and arguments among participants. If you have a problem or a personal difference,
take it to a private room or handle it in an IM. Remember, some people have no other forum
to express their desires and to meet like-minded people. Respect that and don’t drive
people away with childish behavior.
If Someone Harasses You Online, Take Action. Don’t Be A Silent Victim.
If you
are in a chat room and someone is bothering you, and you have asked them to stop or leave,
and they refuse, take action. Please remember that nobody has the right to harass,
threaten or belittle you online. You have the power to stop them. On AOL, the best way to
stop online harassers is to report them to TOS and have their AOL account canceled. Follow
the steps below:
1) Print out a copy of the conversation for
your records.
2) Click on the "KEYWORD" button.
3) Go to "REPORT A VIOLATION" and
follow the instructions. DO NOT CANCEL OUT THE OFFENDING IM OR ROOM CONVERSATION . . .
THAT IS YOUR EVIDENCE THAT A PERSON IS HARASSING YOU…..TOS requires a copy of the
offending conversation in order to process a complaint.
For other chat forums, check with the individual internet provider or IRC moderater.
If You Don’t Like The Room, Don’t Stay.
Often, you will find yourself in
a room that has views that differ from yours. If you don’t like what’s going on
in the room, leave. There are plenty of other rooms out there to choose from.
Be Discreet When Out In Public!
Public play is growing more and more popular, and
can be a wonderful experience for the partners involved. Some scene folk can’t resist
the urge to play wherever they are, and the thrill of playing where you might get caught
is exhilarating. Many people like to play in public with pre-inserted vibrators and butt
plugs, as well as fondle various body parts, however, keep in mind that you are in public,
and consider the thoughts of people not involved in your scene. Examples:
In a Restaurant:
Want to play a bit at the table? Consider the time and place.
6pm at the Ground Round is NOT a good time for sceneing and possibly drawing attention to
yourselves. Would you want YOUR children wondering why that lady keeps squirming around
and making funny noises, or why that man is touching her there??? Be considerate to
others….attend the restaurant after the "family dining hours" and ask for a
table in the back.
The Movie Theatre:
Again, consider the people around you. Choose a late
evening showing where children and teens won’t be present, and sit toward the back of
the theatre. Ever been at a movie and the guy in front of you just won’t sit still??
You get our point.
Playing At A Hotel:
Consider your noise levels. The smacking of a good spanking
may be music to your ears, but what about the ears of the tired businessman in the room
next door? When you check in, ask for a room away from others that are occupied. Use any
excuse: you are hard of hearing and listen to the TV at high volume….you have
sensitive hearing and need to be assured nothing will disturb you…or say you are on
your honeymoon, and well, you may be a bit noisy….whatever works!!
In The Woods:
Communing with nature is a wonderful experience, especially when
you are communing naked with a birch switch, but, keep in mind that the woods may not be
as private as you thought, especially here in Maine! Hikers, hunters, and campers enjoy
Maine’s vast woodlands as well…and imagine their surprise if they come across
you and your strung-up submissive! Hmmmm….I wonder how a Girl Scout Leader would
explain THAT to her troop! When playing outdoors, try to play on private property where
you will not run into others. If you do not have access to privately owned woods and can
only play in a recreational and public areas, keep a fair distance from hiking trails and
areas frequented by hunters.
Friend’s Homes:
Unless otherwise agreed to, it is truly tacky to sneak off
in a friend’s home to do a quick scene in the bathroom or a bedroom. This is
especially true when they are vanilla friends. Don’t put your hosts / guests in an
awkward situation; save the scene for a later time and place.
On Public Streets:
Dress appropriately when walking on public streets, and avoid
obviously blatant play. I once witnessed a FemDomme in full leather uniform walking a
bare-chested, collared male sub through Boston’s Quincy Market on a leash. Many
wide-eyed children had questions to ask Mom and Dad about that!! Again….you may
consent to this and enjoy it, but consider the other people who witness it and how it will
affect them.
As people in the scene, we are all working towards public acceptance of us and what we
do. We make that day further away every time we thrust our activities into the faces of
children or those who are offended by overt public sex play. Remember … public play
can be done discretely and still be enjoyable, just use common sense!!
Arrive at the Club In Street Clothes.
While many clubs are in the heart of cities,
some are not (Example: Restraints in Boston is on a city street, but backs up against a
residential area, complete with church and Catholic School). If you have to walk on the
street to get to a club, wear appropriate street clothing and change into fetish gear at
the club. If you are able to wear your fetish clothing under loose clothing, sweats, or a
long coat, even better. Remember…it may not shock you to see a friend walking down
the street in a peek-a-boo leather catsuit , but it may shock the neighbors who live near
the club. Be courteous to them, and give them no reasons make complaints regarding the
club and its patrons.
Follow the Club Rules.
Most clubs have their rules posted near the club entrance
and outside the Dungeon. If you do not see the rules posted, ask for a copy of them.
Follow the rules. Period. Rules are established to keep players safe, to avoid the
transmission of STD’s, and, often, as conditions to allow the club to operate. If you
have questions about doing a scene, and are not sure if it is allowed or not, seek out the
owner or the Dungeon Master and ask them. Failure to follow club rules could result in you
being asked to leave, or worse, being asked never to come back.
The Dungeon Master’s Word is law…Period.
The Dungeon Master (DM) has a
tough job, and they deserve a lot of respect for the duties they take on. They are in the
dungeon for one reason - your protection. If they ask you to stop a scene, or change
something you are doing, they are asking you because they see a potential safety issue. Do
not argue with the Dungeon Master if you disagree with their comments or suggestions.
Comply, then, if you still have an issue, talk to the Dungeon Master later. If you feel
the Dungeon Master was wrong, ask to speak privately with them and the Manager later in
the evening.
NEVER, NEVER, NEVER Try To Attend A Club While High Or Drunk.
You wouldn’t
think we would have to address this, but, unfortunately, it has happened. Show up once at
a BDSM club while drunk or high, and you will be asked NOT to show up again - ever. Avoid
any drinking before attending a BDSM club….the smell of alcohol on your breath, no
matter how sober you may seem, may be enough to cause you to be refused admittance.
If You Are New To BDSM, Watch And Learn.
We highly recommend that newbies spend the
first couple of times they attend a club just watching. By watching, you can learn
technique, observe how a scene progresses, and see how people in the club interact. There
is a wealth of information to be found in observation. Also, it gives the newbie a chance
to socialize and meet other players. Once you are seen regularly, talked to and remembered
in the club, you have a better chance of playing in the club.
If You See Something Happening That Doesn’t Look Safe, Inform The Dungeon Master.
Never
walk over to a scene in progress and tell the Dom what they are doing wrong; find the
Dungeon Master and relay your concerns to him/her. If there is a safety issue, the DM will
then discuss the issue with the players. This is the Dungeon Master’s duty…do
not interfere by assuming the duty yourself.
If You Don’t Like What You See, And It Has Been Deemed Safe, Sane And Consensual,
Leave The Dungeon.
As stated before, everyone has different kinks, and we have to
respect that. If you are personally offended by a scene you do not agree with, leave the
Dungeon until the scene is over. Perhaps in time you may find your opinions changing, but
if you feel strongly put off, don’t subject yourself to it.
If You Are Attempting Something New, Ask The Dungeon Master For Assistance.
Has
your sub been begging you for a hot wax scene, but you’ve never done it before? Tell
the DM what you would like to do, them ask them if they can suggest someone experienced
who may assist and guide you. This helps two ways: you can learn "hands on" from
another player, and the DM and keep watch and be sure all is well with your scene.
Never Interrupt A Scene In Progress.
If you have questions about a technique a Dom
is using, wait until a scene is over to ask about it. Never walk over and ask during the
scene….it ruins the sub’s AND the Dom’s headspace. Wait until the scene is
over and the partners have had a chance to enjoy some quiet after-care time together.
Do Not "Crowd" A Scene.
Everyone likes to see what is going on, but be
polite and do it from a distance. Crowding can result in the Dom and sub losing headspace.
Crowding a scene can also result in someone getting hurt, especially when the Dom is using
a single tail whip or a flogger. Always try to stay at least 15 or more feet away from a
scene in progress (more if the Dom is using a long single tail!!!). If you are in the Dom
or sub’s eyesight, avoid moving around too much - excessive movement from bystanders
distract from headspace as well.
Be Quiet In The Dungeon.
Headspace is a precious effect of submission, and one of
the first steps toward that wonderful out of body feeling, but, excessive noise can ruin
the trip for many submissives. Excessive noise can also disturb a Dom trying to
concentrate on their task. Be polite and keep noise to an absolute minimum in the Dungeon.
If you must speak to someone, whisper directly in their ear. If you intend to have a long
conversation, leave the dungeon. If you need to get someone’s attention, walk to them
or silently wave to get their attention…do not call out across the room.
If You Have A Noisy Submissive, Use A Gag.
Remember…Other people are trying to
maintain headspace as well. If your submissive is prone to yelling out like a banshee at
orgasm, use a gag to minimize the noise.
Keep Your Play Area Clean.
After sceneing, clean up the area you have used. Pick up
all toys, condom wrappers, and used items that may have bodily fluids in/on them. Wipe
down all equipment, house toys and tables used, and sanitize them for the next users. Many
clubs have solutions available to use for sanitation. If you are going to play with hot
wax, bring a plastic sheet, bedsheet, or tarp with you to protect the floors and make
clean-up easier. Always do you part by cleaning up!
Do Not Discuss The Party Invitation With Others.
When you receive an invite to a
private party, it is best to not discuss it with others in the scene. Imagine how
awful you would feel to tell someone about your invitation, only to discover they did not
get invited. Party hosts cannot always invite everyone they would like to usually because
their house or play space may be too small. If you are curious as to who else is
attending, ask the host…they will be glad to tell you.
Do Not Personally Invite Others To A Private Play Party Unless You Have The Host’s
Permission.
If you would like to bring a new partner or friend to the party, contact
the host and ask their permission first. Chances are you will be allowed to do so, but if
your host prefers that you not bring a particular person or a stranger, please comply with
their wishes. Also, if the host has forgotten to invite your regular partner, let them
know….they will appreciate you informing them of the oversight.
Assume Responsibility For Your Guests.
If you bring someone to the party whom the
hosts have not previously met, please keep in mind that you are responsible for their
actions. Keep an eye on them at all times, personally escort them about the host’s
home if need be, and make sure they obey all rules. Remember…if your guest does
something wrong, it will reflect badly upon you.
Ask The Host’s Permission If You Want To Bring A Camera Or Videocam.
Some
BDSMer’s enjoy taking photos and video of their scenes. If you would like to take
pictures of your scene while at a private party, check with the host first. This way, your
host can let other party goers know that film is rolling, and, if they don’t want to
be in pictures, to avoid a certain room or area of their dungeon. Most people attending
parties do not want their pictures taken, so before you snap away, get that person’s
permission. As always, if your host prefers that you leave the cameras at home, comply
with their wishes.
Arrive On Time, Or Make Plans With The Host For Arriving Later.
Try to arrive at a
party no later than 30 minutes after the start time. Usually, the first hour or so
at a private party is social time and set up time. After the first hour, folks begin
filtering off to different areas to scene. The host has a number of duties to attend to
once the party gets into full swing….and rushing to get the door for a latecomer
should not be one of them. Please plan to arrive on time or slightly before the party. If
you know you are going to be late for a specific reason, let your host know approximately
when you will be arriving…this way the host can arrange to have somebody let you in
and show you where to put your coat and change clothes.
Travel With Your Toys In Discreet Bags and Packaging.
Gym bags are good for this
purpose….but riot whips, canes, portable stocks and other bulky equipment are a
problem. One solution: Wrap large items in sheets when carrying them into the hosts house.
Another good solution: fishing rod cases for canes and other long items. Remember…the
neighbors will be curious…let’s keep them guessing!
Arrive In Appropriate Street Clothing.
Your hosts might have neighbors….they
might love to gossip. Need we say more?
Bring Something For The Community Table (Buffet).
Usually a buffet is organized for
the evening, and you may be asked to contribute. Ask the host what would be appropriate to
bring: appetizer? Entree? Dessert? Non-alcoholic beverages? Plates, cups, napkins or
plasticware? If your host says you need not bring anything, a small gift for the host, or
something the entire ensemble can use (such as condoms or a special piece of BDSM
equipment) is appropriate.
Offer Your Assistance.
Is there anything the host needs done? Can you help in any
way? Chances are, things will be well under control….but a host really DOES
appreciate the offer.
ALL RULES PREVIOUSLY OUTLINED FOR CLUBS ARE OBSERVED AT PRIVATE PARTIES AS WELL.
Don’t
make the mistake of thinking that a private home party is a "free for all"; the
fact is, some home parties have stricter rules. Rules should have been sent out by your
host after your accepted your invitation. Rules should also be posted at the party. If you
do not know the rules, ask for them: Follow them. If you have any concerns about a scene
you would like to do, check with your hosts.
Respect The Party Assistants.
Many private and club parties have "party
slaves" who assist the host with set up, food preparation, Dungeon Master duties,
etc. These folks are not at the party to be everyone’s personal playthings. Do not
touch them or harass them. If they want to play, they will let you know, but if they are
only there to help the host, respect their space and their contributions to the party.
Respect "This Room Off Limits" Signs.
There are reasons certain rooms are
off limits. Perhaps it is a child’s room or a private home office. Whatever the
reason, respect these signs and your hosts wishes.
If You Wouldn’t Do It At YOUR House, Don’t Do It At Someone Else’s.
Remember
what the lunch lady used to scream at everyone after a high school food fight? "Would
you do this at home??? If you wouldn’t do it at home, what makes you think it is okay
to do it here?!?!? Keep this simple rule in mind when you get the urge to do something
risky, messy or off limits at your host’s home.
Be Courteous To Other Guests and Nature- Don’t Scene In The Bathroom.
Have you
ever waited outside a bathroom, crossing your legs, jiggling up and down because you HAD
to "go", but the bathroom was occupied by people sceneing?? Keep the bathroom
off limits to play. If your hosts have a second or third bathroom and have designated
these for play, use only these designated areas.
Be Considerate Of Neighbors … Keep The Noise Levels Down.
Sometimes play
parties, like any parties, can get noisy. One way to mask some of the sounds is to play
music in the areas of your home or meeting place where sceneing will take place. If you
have a particularly loud submissive, consider using a gag. Most residential areas and
neighbors will put up with occasional party noises, and will make no complaints as long as
the loudness stops by 9pm weeknights and 11pm on a weekend. If your host lives in a rural
area, it is still polite to check with the host before conducting loud scenes or allowing
your sub to scream his/her head off.
Keep the Social Room Social.
The social room is a place to relax, chat and eat. It
should be kept strictly social. Starting a scene, fondling, exposing yourself or
undressing for a scene should be done elsewhere.
Be Sanitary and Polite….Wash Your Hands After a Scene, But BEFORE You Dig Into The
Food.
You just had your hands WHERE?? And you are PICKING THROUGH the finger
sandwiches and chip bowl??? Need we discuss this further??
Offer To Assist With Clean Up.
Even if you can only offer your host 5 minutes, it
is helpful. 15 people giving 5 minutes of help can establish much. Your host has put a lot
of work into setting up the evening. Give them a hand and help make their evening a little
easier.
"Hey Look!!! There’s So-and-So!"
At one time or another, you are
bound to run into someone you know from the scene in a vanilla setting, like the grocery
store, the mall, etc. Often, meeting like this can be both an unexpected pleasure and a
personal nightmare, especially if one of you is with someone who doesn’t know of your
scene involvement. At times like this, it is best to merely acknowledge each other with
eye contact and a quick nod or smile. If you need to talk to that person, save it for
later through an email or at a BDSM function.
If You Do Talk To Other BDSM Folk In Public, Use Appropriate Names…Not Screen
Names.
Usually, scene folk who tend to hang out together, or know all involved in the
conversation are in the scene, will approach each other in public to say hello and chat.
When you meet up, be discreet in using names, especially screen names. Example: I meet
many scene people in public (usually at local restaurants), and when we chat, just as the
waitress is sliding up to take the order, someone inevitably calls me
"Mistress." While I can deal with it, others at the table tend to cringe, and
the waitress suddenly looks a lot more interested in who I am than how I want my burger
cooked! Remember….there are other others around us, and those among us who get
uncomfortable. Again…if you are not sure how to address someone, just ask them.
To Play - Or Not To Play - That Is The Question.
Many BDSM friends enjoy getting
together for non-scene activities: dinner, grabbing a cup of coffee, or just hanging out.
Often, these occasions, unless otherwise planned, are strictly social. If you don’t
intend to leave sceneing and submissive rules at home, please inform your friends
beforehand and find out if they will be comfortable. It can be very awkward and annoying
to your friends if, while they are trying to hold a friendly conversation, a submissive is
constantly asking Master for permission to speak, eat, or go to the bathroom.
All material Copyright Mistress Ren and LesVoiles. Please do not
reproduce without permission.
Page Updated
08/27/05
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